When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
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I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.