me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
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God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!