While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
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Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO