Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
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I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*