When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
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We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater