“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
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my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
the dark web is just a goth google.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.