The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
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The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine