I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
You Might Also Like
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak