Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
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I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
only 11 steps left
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Watermelon Boss!
I see your IQ test came back negative
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.