Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
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A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.