Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
You Might Also Like
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]