Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
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*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Before & after 😅
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Cat is stressing him out.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe