Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
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“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.