I heard many of these stories growing up…. ๐๐๐
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You deplete me
Mario Bros. Plumbing โ โโโโ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like Iโve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask โis this a Mapplethorpe print?โ The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him โIโm an art nerd.โ He says โwell Iโm a donut nerd so I have no idea.โ
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.โ
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: Iโm leaving you
Her: fine with me, Iโll get the door for you *opens the oven*
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I donโt think itโs ever happened, but according to my dogsโ reactions, Iโm assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
My sisterโs credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Take your husbandโs last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. Youโre the husband now.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? itโs a fish
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
superman landing like a plane on his belly
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.