Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
You Might Also Like
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
I need better friends
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Safety first
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.