BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
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The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*