I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
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me when I see my crush
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Finally!
I saw nothing
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.