To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
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I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Dead sexy!!
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.