I ate everything, including the H.
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The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Oh. My. God.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.