My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
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the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
This is a bad sign
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*