somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
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Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.