My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
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A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
*limbos under the caution tape
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
I cannot stop laughing at this
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???