Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
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The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]