Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
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[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.