Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
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Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people