Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
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If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
How to properly lift a body
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”