Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
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Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.