Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
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I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
What’s so funny?
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.