Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
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If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
The sacred texts.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…