Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
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Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
My blood type is b hungry.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
No, I don’t think I will.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Golf would be better with landmines.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.