Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
You Might Also Like
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.