If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
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[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Weirdos gonna weird.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.