Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
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Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
When a shoelace touches your ankle
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
I swear some people should be banned from cooking