I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
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My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
iPhone X
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff