DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
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If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
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Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”