Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
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Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.