Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
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Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end