I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
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me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
you have three unread messages
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.