Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
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Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
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You are what you delete.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.