[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
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*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
normalize having existential bread
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
“I took care of your clown problem.”
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]