POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
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Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
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Expectations vs. Reality
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her