“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
You Might Also Like
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
felt cute might bury dad later idk
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
just make the entire table out of coaster
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.