me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
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I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Yup
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…