i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
You Might Also Like
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
some things should go without saying
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.