BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
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*pronounces surface like Versace*
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
pizza
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”