Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
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[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.