-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
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If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?