“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
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legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”