My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
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Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
When you kidnap a writer.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
greetings!
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.