I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
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Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
the noise i just made
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
Stop.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur